8 Questions You Will Ask When a Loved One is  Charged with a Crime

Joel Caldwell, Psy.D.
Christina Caldwell, Psy.D.

When you discover that your loved one is being charged with a crime, there will be many questions and emotions that arise.  If you are like most families, you will feel as if life is falling apart.  Almost every aspect of your family life will be impacted by a criminal charge and possible conviction.  Like most families, you will probably feel that there is nowhere to turn and no one who can really guide you through the process.  We recognize the challenges of this uniquely difficult time and have established this service to lead families to a positive, successful outcome.  The following questions are those that families ask as they enter the legal process.  They are also the questions that you will ask almost immediately when your loved one is charged.

Question #1:  "Who is this person, really?"

Most families are shocked when a loved one is charged with a crime.  You will likely have no idea that your loved one has been engaging in illegal activity.  When they are charged, it will likely have a dramatic impact on how you view them.  You will experience feelings of betrayal, and questions of respect and trust will arise.  Members of the family will have differing views of the accused and this variety of opinions has the potential to result in stress and conflict among family members.  The question everyone will ask is, "Who is this person we thought we knew?"  How you answer that question determines the ultimate success of your relationship with the accused.

Question #2:  "Can our relationship survive this?"

This question is closely related to the first one.  When you are unsure of who you are with, you cannot be sure of the strength of the relationship.  There will be significant pressure from various friends and family members, and you will feel pulled in many directions.  Some people will advise you to move on while others will tell you to stick it out.  What are you to do?  Another aspect to this question relates to potential incarceration.  If incarceration is lengthy, is it reasonable to stay together?  Do you have the necessary relationship foundation to do that?

Question #3:  "How will our friends/community react to the charge?"

It is an almost universal fear that the family will be ostracized.  You will be afraid that friends will turn their backs on you and that you will never be viewed the same.  If you are members of clubs, boards, and community organizations, how will they react?  Any negative reaction from those outside of your family will put further strain on your relationship with the accused.  How will you and your family respond to the sudden change in how certain people perceive you?

Question #4:  "How will we make it financially?"

When there is a criminal charge, and especially a conviction, there will almost always be a job loss.  If the accused is the breadwinner for the family, how will you react to this sudden loss of income?  What sacrifices will you have to make in your lifestyle?  Also, when the accused has been the primary provider, it is common for there to be a role reversal with the spouse.  For example, if the husband was making most of the income for the family, and he is charged with a crime, it can become a necessity for the wife to then assume the provider role.  How will you adapt to this unexpected role change, and how will this further impact your relationship with the accused?

Questions #5:  "How will this impact my children?"

Children of any age are affected in many ways by a parent's criminal charge.  They will experience all of the dynamics associated with the first question on this list, and that can be extremely unsettling for them.  How will you explain what happened and what they can expect in the future?  How will the accused explain these same things?  Children can sometimes have the most dramatic social consequences as their peers are more likely to challenge them directly about the charge, and may make them feel left out.  School-aged children may experience a negative academic impact from the emotional toll of the legal process and the stress associated with watching a parent go through it.  How will you address these complicated issues?

Question #6:  "The legal process is long.  How can I remain supportive through this, and what if my feelings toward my loved one change over time?"

The legal process can take months and sometimes years.  This encompasses the time between a charge and sentencing.  Add to that any incarceration period and it can feel like there is no limit to the time it takes to reach a true resolution.  Over that time, your feelings will range from shock to worry to anger and beyond.  Much like the grief process, there is a similar emotional process when experiencing a criminal charge.  This is true for every member of the family.  The challenges will change during this time, and it is important that you are prepared to face those changes.  How will you equip yourself and your family for this lengthy ordeal?

Question #7:  "What will prison be like for my loved one and how will we cope with their time away?"

Assuming the accused has never experienced incarceration, it is important for them to prepare for those challenges.  It is no less important for you and your family to prepare for the challenge of being away from your loved one.  Most people have significant misconceptions about prison, which can create fear and uncertainty.  It is important for the accused and your family to receive education about what to expect.  Dr. Joel Caldwell has experienced all aspects of the prison system-- inmate, administrator, and clinician.  This is vastly different from receiving that training from someone who has experience only as an inmate.  For spouses and family of the accused, it is valuable to receive this training from someone who has had a spouse incarcerated and has successfully maintained their relationship.  This is one of the many unique aspects of our services.

Question #8:  "Will we be able to re-integrate successfully after a lengthy incarceration period?"

Once you make it to the end of the incarceration period, it should all be downhill from there, right?  This is somewhat true.  By this point, you and your family will have overcome many of the major hurdles.  However, how well will you relate after a lengthy time apart?  How much have the two of you changed?  Has the prison experience had a lasting impact on your loved one?  Will your children readily accept them back into the home? Many dynamics will be at play here, and you can greatly benefit from an experienced guide to lead you through this phase of the process.

The sole reason we started this service is to lead you and others through this exact process.  We are    well-prepared to assist the accused and their loved ones every step of the way- from managing the initial fallout, to prison preparation, to successful professional and family reintegration.  We are professionals who have personally experienced what you are going through and have navigated it successfully.  We have a matchless combination of experience in the mental health field serving adults, adolescents, and children.  We are are uniquely positioned to guide you through the legal process by providing you with a combination of services and attention to detail that you will not find anywhere else.