The 5 Emotional Stages Your Family Will Experience When They Learn of Your Alleged Crime

Joel Caldwell, Psy.D.
Christina Caldwell, Psy.D.

It is an emotional time for any family when they learn that a loved one has been charged with a crime.  When the loved one admits to the crime, or is convicted, those emotions are compounded.

The emotional stages experienced by your family during this time parallel the stages of grief and loss faced with the death of a loved one.  However, unlike losing a loved one, most families will experience a criminal charge only once (if at all), and there is nothing to prepare them for it.  Also, because most families they know have never gone through this experience, it will be easy for your family to feel alone.  Your family will also face the stigma associated with a criminal charge, which can cause further feelings of isolation.

Recognizing where your family is in the process of coming to terms with your legal situation is essential for making sense of the complex emotions involved.  Below are the five emotional stages experienced by most families as they suffer with a loved one going through this process.  Please note that not all individuals in your family will experience every stage, and that these stages can occur in any order.

Emotional Stage #1:  Denial and Isolation

This can take several forms.  For many family members, there may be a denial that you have actually been charged, a denial of the implications of the charge, or the denial that you were ever engaged in any criminal activity.  This is a typical initial response to any traumatic situation, and it helps us deal with the immediate shock.  This will be temporary for your family but will assist them in transitioning to the next phase.

Emotional Stage #2:  Anger

As the effects of denial wane, your family will become more aware of their true emotions.  The initial emotion for them is likely to be anger. This anger will likely be directed toward you, and can be displayed in a variety of ways.  Anger may come and go over time.  Your loved ones may resent you for having caused pain and brought embarrassment into their lives.  Your family will also be very angry with anyone who is perceived to have contributed to your criminal activity.  This could include your family of origin or business associates.  If this anger is not handled constructively, further problems can result.  

Emotional Stage #3:  Bargaining

In an attempt to regain emotional control of the situation, your family is likely to ask questions or make statements to themselves which imply that they could have had some control over your criminal behavior.  For example, a family member may say, "If I had only watched him more closely", "If only I had not placed so many demands on him", or "If only I had been nicer to him".  All of this will give your family a false sense of control.  When it comes to dealing with a trauma, a false sense of control is more comforting than no control at all.

Emotional Stage #4:  Depression

This is an overall feeling of sadness and not necessarily a clinical depression.  There are two types of depression that your family members will likely experience during this stage.  The first type has to do with practical implications related to your situation.  This may have to do with questions regarding finances, effectively parenting the children, or hits to a reputation.  Anything considered to be fallout of the legal process will be a primary focus during this stage.

The other type of depression your family is likely to experience has to do with you personally.  This involves questions related to what will happen to you and preparing for time away from you.

Emotional Stage #5:  Acceptance

During this stage, your family will likely withdraw socially and resign themselves to what is to come.  If you are anticipating an incarceration period, you may notice your family withdrawing emotionally from you as a way of preparing themselves for your absence.  Although this is not a period of happiness, it is also not marked by depression.  It is more of a quiet acceptance of what you have done and the challenges that the near future holds.  It is also common during this stage that you yourself will experience an emotional withdrawal from your family as you ready yourself mentally for the upcoming separation period.

Experiencing these emotional stages is a personal process which is unique to each individual.  Although your family is likely to go through each of these stages, the pace and order in which they occur will vary by person.  It is important that your family does not become stuck in any particular phase-- which may result in unresolved bitterness, anger, and depression.  This can have long-term consequences for relationships and your ability to successfully reintegrate with your family.

Crisis Recovery Specialists is best positioned to guide you and your family through this process to ensure the best possible outcome for all involved.  We are professionals who have served as psychologists and are well-versed in the relevant dynamics.  Not only that, but we have personally experienced exactly what you are going through.  We recognize that this is the most challenging time you and your family will ever face, and we are committed to seeing you through the legal process while helping you to preserve your family relationships.  Instead of suffering alone, you and your family can receive the most experienced leadership in this field.  You will not find a more comprehensive or compassionate service.